This essay prompt is going to be about the two books The Contender and Ender’s Game. It is going to be narrated by Donatelli.
I remember a long time ago, maybe five or six years ago, Alfred Brooks brought a boy into my gym (Donatelli’s Gym) called Ender Wiggin. Ender was nine years old when he came in with Alfred. Now Alfred was one of my best boxers at the gym. He went 2-1-0 before I had him retire. Now I’m just going to describe each character in detail.
First, I’m going to describe Alfred Brooks. Alfred is a Negro boy and is also a high school drop-out. He lives in Harlem, New York with his aunt and two sisters. Alfred also works at a nearby grocery store called Epstein’s. It is a Jew ran grocery store. While Alfred was boxing he got trained by a man named Henry. Alfred was the first boxer Henry ever trained. By the end of Alfred’s boxing career, he went 2-1-0 before I had him retire. Why’ll Alfred was boxing, his daily schedule was wake up, run, eat breakfast, go to work, go to the gym, come home, eat, watch TV, and then go to bed and do it again. That is most of Alfred’s life right there.
Now, I’m going to describe Ender Wiggin. I only got to meet Ender for about twenty minutes but I did learn a lot about the young boy. Ender is the youngest in his family. His older sister is called Valentine and his older brother is called Peter. Ender was commander of the Dragon Army. Ender has the power to be a killer which is what I would want in a boxer but I wouldn’t want him to kill other fighters. I would just want him to win. Ender doesn’t like the quality of being a killer. But also his brother has the power to be a killer too and he likes it. It seemed as if ender was very intelligent. Ender also doesn’t like violence. That is what I got to learn about Ender Wiggin.
Now after I was done talking to Ender and Alfred, who are friends, Alfred goes to show Ender how he trains. He show’s Ender his magnificent skill and all I could hear was Ender saying “Wow Alfred! You’re really good!” and Alfred kept saying “It takes much training and practice to become a contender”. Then I could hear them talking in the gym. “Do you want to spar with me?” asked Alfred. “Uhm, I don’t think you would want that Alfred” said Ender. “If you land a punch some where that could get me mad, I could quite possibly kill you and I can’t control it” said Ender. “Oh ok Ender, that makes sense!” exclaimed Alfred. “I wouldn’t want to die in my own gym to a nine year old!” chuckled Alfred. Ender laughed too. So then Alfred went over to the peanut bag and started hitting it making it sound like a machine gun and Ender was very impressed. “How do you hit it so fast?” asked Ender. “I got trained by the best” said Alfred. “Hey Ender, after this, you and me should go catch a movie. I love watching movies!” exclaimed Alfred. “Yeah! That sounds great Alfred!” said Ender.
So then Ender started describing to Alfred his life as Alfred was doing sit-ups on the mat. He said how he once had to wear a monitor so that the military could see what he was seeing. He said how he once killed a bully because the bully started to pick on him. He was only six years old! When Ender became Commander of the Dragon Army, he was given some soldiers called Launchies. They were sent off to defeat the Buggers. Then all of a sudden, Ender gets promoted to the Salamander Army. Then Ender gets traded to the Rat Army. By the end, Ender said instead of fighting the Buggers, he wanted to find them a new place to live.
So at the end of the day, Alfred paid me two dollars and then left with Ender to go see a movie. The only thing they left me wondering was, what movie were they going to see!?
(717 words)
To this story, I feel like it is more of an explanation than a story about two friends getting together. It felt a little awkward for the writer to have described the characters in about three different instances. I can picture Ender and Alfred together but the dialogue seems a little unrefined and unreal. The story made me think about how these two might actually act around one another but I did not see it very much in this story.
ReplyDeleteThe overall dialogue seemed somewhat realistic but was too short in my opinion. Some things that made the characters seem real to me included the fact that Ender was afraid to spar with Alfred as he was afraid he would kill him. The author could have made it seem more realistic by looking back at both books and look how both characters spoke there to recreate in this story. It would've made the story more lively and understandable.
My favorite part of the story was when Ender thought Alfred was doing a good job of training and said that he was really good. “Uhm, I don’t think you would want that Alfred” said Ender. “If you land a punch some where that could get me mad, I could quite possibly kill you and I can’t control it” This quote stood out to me because it seemed very reasonable as Ender did this to two other children while growing up. He did this to a boy when he was 6 and to another boy named Bonzo when he was 14.
Throughout the essay, I found multiple grammatical and spelling errors which made the reading a little uneasy at some points. There were some repeated words in sentences and many repeated segments in which information was already explained throughout the first few paragraphs but was still repeated. The way the author wrote it at some points in which the sentences wrote how he heard the two characters speak but also acted as a sort of narrator confused me.
To try and make your essay better, maybe next time you can try revising it a a little more or show it to an adult or someone older than you to show you some problems I have outlined. And also, next time consider repeated words and repeated segments which can easily confuse a reader.
i liked the story, but it would have been better if you repeated words less, checked it for spelling and grammar a bit better, and you could have explained how they met a little bit better. other than that, i think it was great.
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